37 Things That Only Happen in Primary Schools

1. A child informs you, earnestly and at length, about a dream they had. It concerns a dragon and their nan. It takes eight minutes.

2. You say 'Good morning' at 2pm.

3. A child asks to go to the toilet with such frequency and urgency that you wonder if something is medically wrong. They return entirely fine, holding someone else's reading book.

4. You spend forty minutes creating a beautiful display. It falls off the wall at 7am the following morning.

5. A child calls you 'Mum' in front of the whole class. Both of you pretend it didn't happen.

6. You've said 'One voice, please' more times than you have said 'I love you' to your partner.

7. A child says 'My dad says...' and you brace for impact.

8. You find a potato in the art supplies. You do not know how it got there. You will never know.

9. A child informs you their tooth is loose. You must now feign interest in the structural stability of this tooth for the rest of the half-term.

10. 'Can we have free choice?' arrives before you've put your bag down on Monday.

11. You've had a conversation with a parent at 3:30pm while simultaneously adjudicating a crayon dispute and scanning the playground for a missing child.

12. A five-year-old made you cry. A different five-year-old made you laugh for ten minutes. Both happened before break.

13. The laminator is broken. The laminator is always broken.

14. Someone has eaten part of your display. You choose not to investigate.

15. A child describes your age as 'about fifty or a hundred'. You are 29.

16. You know 30 ways to say 'please sit down'. None work on the last day of term.

17. A child produces a gift from home that is clearly something found in a drawer. You receive it with the warmth you'd give to gold.

18. The photocopier jams at 8:48am. Your lesson starts at 9:00am.

19. A child whispers something. You hear it across the room.

20. At some point this year, you have eaten your lunch standing at a sink.

21. 'It wasn't me' is said before you finish describing the incident.

22. A beautiful piece of student work is word for word from a website. The child looks you in the eye while you say 'interesting vocabulary choices'.

23. It is summer term. It is raining heavily. You are attempting PE.

24. A supply teacher has moved your stapler. You will spend forty minutes low-key furious about this.

25. A child asks a question so good that you have to look it up.

26. You know exactly what 'the face' means on every child in your class.

27. A child's reading diary has not been signed since October. It is March.

28. The word 'literally' is used seventeen times in a creative writing piece, all of them incorrectly, all with great confidence.

29. You've been thanked by a parent in a way that undoes three months of difficulty in thirty seconds.

30. At some point, you've taught a lesson so well it surprised you. You haven't been able to replicate it since.

31. You can tell, from a noise in the corridor, what has gone wrong and how serious it is.

32. A child says 'I like it here. The rules make sense.' It is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about your classroom.