The Staffroom Twelve: People You'll Find in Every Primary School

Forty-seven schools across thirty years have confirmed it: staffrooms contain exactly the same twelve people. Names vary. Everything else is constant.

**1. The Veteran** — has been at the school longer than the building. Knows where everything is, including the policy that no one else has seen. Has strong feelings about the way the resources room used to be organised. Retirement has been 'planned' since 2014.

**2. The One Who Bakes** — appears every Monday with something. There is no occasion too small. Their birthday, their cat's birthday, the end of SATS, the fact that it rained. The staffroom has not gone more than eleven days without cake since 2008.

**3. The PE Specialist** — always cold in the staffroom because they have spent the morning outside in a t-shirt. Positive about everything. Runs the staff football team. Would rather be outside.

**4. The NQT** — absolutely fine. Totally fine. Sleeping an average of five hours a night. Has marked every book in every possible colour. Slightly over-plans every lesson. Will be an excellent teacher in three years.

**5. The One Who Knows About The Budget** — a quiet power. Has strong opinions about the new art supplies and where the money should actually have gone. Usually right.

**6. The Collector** — every surface near their desk features something: a plant, a mug collection, a set of rocks labelled in the handwriting of a child who left in 2016, three inspirational quotes, and something laminated that nobody can explain.

**7. The One Who Mentioned Ofsted Last Week** — still mentioning it. Is prepared. Has always been prepared. Has a folder.

**8. The Person Nobody Has Eaten Lunch With** — not unfriendly. Eats lunch at 11:47am and leaves before anyone notices. Has been doing this for years. Is perfectly happy.

**9. The Tech Optimist** — has a Google certification, a subscription to four EdTech newsletters, and an idea about AI that they've been trying to share since September. Has set up the school Twitter/X account three times.

**10. The Person Who Remembers Your Birthday** — a force for good. Collects for cards without being asked. Knows who is having a hard time and silently makes it slightly better. The staffroom would be measurably worse without them.

**11. The One Who Used To Work Somewhere Else** — references this approximately twice a week. 'At my last school, we...'. Sometimes useful information. Sometimes not. Always mentioned.

**12. The SENCO** — doing the work of four people. Has not had a full lunch break since November. Knows every child's middle name. Will absolutely have the time to chat about a child in Year 3 — right after this one very quick thing, then this other thing, then that.