Things Children Have Told Their Parents About School

Children are enthusiastic reporters of school life. They are also unreliable narrators. The information that travels home via the medium of a seven-year-old undergoes significant transformation in transit.

'We never do any work. We just play all day.' (Reported by the parent of a child in a school with an excellent reputation for academic outcomes. The child, it emerged, meant that they had done PE on that particular day.)

'Our teacher hates us.' (The teacher had, that week, given a detention to one child. That child was not the child who reported this to their parents.)

'We're not allowed to talk.' (The school has a silent reading session of 15 minutes per day. The child has extrapolated.)

'Everyone got their test back except me.' (The child's test had been returned with a note requesting a meeting, which the child had not delivered.)

'We had a substitute teacher who didn't know anything.' (The substitute teacher was an experienced practitioner with 20 years in the classroom. They had said 'I don't know the answer to that — let's find out together', which the child correctly recorded as 'didn't know anything'.)

'We watched videos all day.' (The science lesson included a 4-minute clip from the BBC.)

'Our teacher cried.' (The teacher had allergies. They have mentioned this. It has not helped.)

'We're learning about very rude things.' (The class had started their PSHE unit on the digestive system.)

'I don't have any homework.' (This is almost never true.)

'The teacher said I was the best in the class.' (The teacher had said this child's diagram of the water cycle was very clear. They are not wrong to feel proud. They have somewhat exceeded the brief in the telling.)

And finally, the report that every teacher simultaneously loves and fears: 'I learned something today.' No further details. Delivered with complete sincerity. It is enough.